Politeness norms seem to keep a lot of folks from discussing or asking their trans friends questions they have, I figured at the very least I could help try to fill the gap. Lemmy has a decent trans population who might be able to provide their perspectives, as well.
Mostly I’m interested in what people are holding back.
The questions I’ve been asked IRL:
- why / how did you pick your name?
- how long have you known?
- how long before you are done transitioning?
- how long do you have to be on HRT?
- is transgender like being transracial?
- what do the surgeries involve?
For the most part, though, I get silence - people don’t want to talk about it, or are afraid to. A lot of times the anxiety is in not knowing how to behave or what would be offensive or not. Some people have been relieved when they learned all they needed to do is see me as my gender, since that became very simple and easy for them.
If there are trans people you know IRL, do you feel you can talk to them about it? Not everyone is as open about it as I am, and questions can be feel rude, so I understand why people would feel hesitant to talk to me, but even when I open the door, people rarely take the opportunity.
My only question is why? Why go through all that stuff to “become” someone when you can just “be” who you already are?
I mean, almost nobody is happy with the body they’ve grown, but most of us just accept it and go on with life. What is the reason for drastic changes like taking hormones and getting surgery and needing other people’s validation?
I hope this isn’t seen as transphobic, I’m happy to accept anyone, I just really don’t understand the drasticness of it.
Because that body was so unpleasant I was considering suicide. There was a wrongness pervading every aspect of my life. And I’ve long liked the term “hormonal dysphoria” to describe how in some trans people such as myself the mere act of having the wrong sex hormone dominance essentially has very similar symptoms to major depression.
I tried plenty else first. I attempted to man up, I grew a beard and got somewhat strong. I tried being an effeminate man and cross dressing for a bit. I tried religion. When I transitioned there were still old trans people giving the old advice, to wait to transition until the only alternative was suicide. I hit that point at 19 and began hormones at 20, but in a more accepting world I’d’ve probably accepted myself at 16.
Re: “wrongness” and “accepting yourself”, how much do you think it has to do with how society/others regard the identity you present? I.e. how much do you think the path you’ve taken is an internal development vs a response to society?
In order to describe what I’m thinking: Today, you’ve found a place/role within society where you’re more comfortable than the places/roles you’ve taken in the past. However, a completely different culture/society would have had different available “options”.
Sorry if I’m being way too abstract/hypothetical. Even as a “more conventional normal person”, I’ve long wondered how different I might be had I grown up in a completely different society.
I think about bits of it somewhat often as well as the global history of Trans identities is complex and because as a feminist I maintain criticisms of our society’s expectations on gender. But at the same time, I’ve experimented and messed with the social roles relating to gender since I was young. So when I look at groups like the hijra and two spirits I can see that in those cultures I might’ve fit in those genders. But ultimately, it’s a thought experiment. My culture and I shape each other, and as much as I challenge it i am also bound by it as my place of understanding of the self.
But at the same time, the body wrongness that’s hard to see as anything other than innate. I remember having phantom breasts as a teenager. I remember being uncomfortable having a penis as a very young child. I do not believe there is a world in which I could be happy with a testosterone dominant body without serious neurological differences. I think in a time period where no form of estrogen was available I could have managed with mere removal of testosterone, but it would not have been thriving.
It can be really hard to understand why trans people transition - the answers are complicated and involve explanations of the neurobiology of sex and gender.
One way to help you understand is to imagine or even try out being in the wrong sex yourself - if you are male, imagine you were born a woman, they named you Sue and expect you to date boys, play with dolls, dress in frilly skirts and dresses, and so on. Why can’t you just be Sue authentically? Why bother with horomones and social transition?
When it feels wrong to be in the wrong sex, it is due to how your brain developed as a fetus, and you can’t help that the wrong sex hormones make you depressed and anxious, you can’t help that your body feels completely wrong, you can’t help that the only known solutions to the suffering is to take the right hormones, to fix the body and to live as your actual gender. Cis people don’t have to go through that struggle, so it’s harder for them to understand what it’s like to be trans. It makes complete sense you would have difficulty understanding, even as a trans person I struggled to recognize I experienced gender dysphoria or that I needed to transition - it was not obvious at the time.
And if the thought doesn’t bother you, you might be actually agender or genderfluid or something. I probably am agender for this reason, although I live as a cisman.
Thats such a good way of explaining it so people understand, Ill start using that example
Edit: to clarify in case there is confusion, im not trans, just like the explanation and will use it in future
Many people go out of their way to transform their bodies, from diet and exercise to drugs and surgery. My question is why not? It’s your flesh puppet; decorate it how you like.
I wouldn’t characterize transition as decorating your flesh puppet in the same way that cis people do when dieting and plastic surgery … not that transition doesn’t involve those things, but there is a clinical basis of transition that is not there when just pursuing beauty. This is why your boob job may be covered when trans, but not when cis.
For me at least, there’s a pretty significant difference between being in a body i find revolting versus one I don’t. I wanted to live my life as someone I could tolerate, who didn’t make me feel disgusting.
I’m not underselling it, dysphoria is repulsive. I felt like a freak, I felt wrong. I just did whatever I had to do to fix that. Validation wasn’t something I sought as much, it’s certainly nice to be recognized but I transitioned for me first and foremost.