Ataraxia

That tv programming would pause when I turned the TV off.

Not exactly. My ADHD has only one good use… I am amazing at dealing with worst case scenarios and in fact thrive in them. I will always find a way to do something, survive and enjoy it. I had more fun in Japan when I was broke after I lost my scholarship than I was before I did. I rode a busted old bike with flat tires everywhere, I found ways to scrounge for food, I survived odd of a bag of flour and snuck my mom into my dorm. I have no interest in normal day to day easy life. Put me in the wilderness and make me kill my food.

Well, at least in the US it is hard to find a good doctor. I’ve had so many doctors, one had my gallbladder taken out unnecessarily and cancelled all my other check ups that were meant to find out what was actually going on with my gastrointestinal issues. All I needed for my gallbladder was a diet change which they never told me. It was I decently good shape when they removed it. That same doctor wouldn’t refer me to a psychiatrist to diagnose ADHD due to the fact that I had anxiety and didn’t want me on stimulants despite the fact that treating ADHD would likely eliminate the anxiety problem in the first place. I had new doctor who told me to treat my chronic spine pain and surrounding muscle, neck, shoulder, head, and eye pain with ibuprophen and a freaking chiropractor. No referrals to actual specialists… it’s likely due to a bulged disk from a previous neck injury that yet again had been left untreated. So I deal with tingling and numbness every so often as well as POTS now. The doctor after that prescribed me a fatal dose of prevalite the pharmacist warned me about and I was like yeah, no way I’m taking anywhere near that much. I still ended up having to stop because hw never warned me about all the bruising it would cause. This same doctor also told me that nobody needs to eat anything but meat because that’s where all the nutrients where when I told him I’ve developed a strong intolerance for any kind of carbs, even whole grains and beans, even most fruit, as they make me seriously ill and trigger my IBSD… Instead of helping me figure out a way to have a more varied diet than green vegetables and animal products (can’t make good pizza with just that)… he just said stick to my diet. Yes, eating that way erased my inflammation and saved my guts but who is gonna live that way? So I’m back to slowly dying. Thanks doc. Oh, and he also told me that my tachycardia could be due to the covid vaccine even though I had the symptoms way before I ever got it… 🙃 I’ve given up. Even my cardiologist wasted my money. He saw that my resting heart rate often was around 120-140 and was planning all of these tests to find out why, gives me a monitor to stick on me which cannot get wet or be sweated on for 2 weeks so clearly I can’t work out or do anything that’ll make me sweaty or cause me to need a full on shower AND put me on propranolol which of course lowered my resting heart rate and left it at that. He then blamed anxiety. Well now I’m on 20mg of lexapro and happily can’t feel a thing in terms of anxiety or depression which is great but my heart rate is still at suicide levels when I’m doing something as mundane as dry my hair or cook.

I just wanted a doctor who would take the time to listen to everything my body is telling me, do more tha a few blood tests, keep working on it until we figure out what all of this is and get me a diagnosis for one or multiple issues (autoimmune?) I’m dealing with. I just want to be able to function again and not be homebound worried that if I lose my wfh job I won’t be able to work.

So it’s great when someone finds a good doctor, I’m glad. But many people experience what I have and I’m so tired at this point, I try to just keep going until my body finally gives out… or I can become a cyborg. I’d sell my remaining working body parts to be a cyborg.

It’s not a problem. When us women have the resources to be able to educate ourselves in the realities of the bull shit that’s been peddled to us, we stop being brood mares.