As Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting new agents to carry out the Trump administration’s mass deportation campaign. The Onion breaks down how to join ICE.
STEP 1 Be born with something just…missing
STEP 2 Try deporting a few neighbors without the constitutional authority to do so, to see if it’s for you
STEP 3 Unlearn any secondary languages you may know
STEP 4 If filling out the application form presents a challenge, candidates may instead demonstrate how hard they can punch a dog
STEP 5 Undergo background check confirming at least one prior arrest for a violent crime
STEP 6 Click through six-step combat training module
STEP 7 Order police vest from www.costumecorner(dot)com
STEP 8 Grab gun from gun bucket
Be male … between the ages of 20 to 50 … be Caucasian … have a working knowledge and appreciation for action films starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damn, Matt Damon and all the Marvel Comics movies.
Applicant must supply their own baseball cap, balaclava, sunglasses and fingerless gloves
Actually, I’m pretty sure they only care about misunderstanding the Punisher.
You forgot, be a bigoted racist.
I’ve seen examples that confirm self loathing minorities are welcome however growth is severely limited.
Bonus: you can gratuitously say the N word.