As Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting new agents to carry out the Trump administration’s mass deportation campaign. The Onion breaks down how to join ICE.
STEP 1 Be born with something just…missing
STEP 2 Try deporting a few neighbors without the constitutional authority to do so, to see if it’s for you
STEP 3 Unlearn any secondary languages you may know
STEP 4 If filling out the application form presents a challenge, candidates may instead demonstrate how hard they can punch a dog
STEP 5 Undergo background check confirming at least one prior arrest for a violent crime
STEP 6 Click through six-step combat training module
STEP 7 Order police vest from www.costumecorner(dot)com
STEP 8 Grab gun from gun bucket
Be male … between the ages of 20 to 50 … be Caucasian … have a working knowledge and appreciation for action films starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damn, Matt Damon and all the Marvel Comics movies.
Applicant must supply their own baseball cap, balaclava, sunglasses and fingerless gloves
and all the Marvel Comics movies.
Actually, I’m pretty sure they only care about misunderstanding the Punisher.
You forgot, be a bigoted racist.
I’ve seen examples that confirm self loathing minorities are welcome however growth is severely limited.
Bonus: you can gratuitously say the N word.
Ah, I see they adapted their on-boarding program from the police recruitment process.
The ads open with video of each metro’s familiar skyline and the narrator’s voice announcing, for example, “Attention, Miami law enforcement.” Beyond that, the spots are identical, inviting officers to “join ICE and help us catch the worst of the worst. Drug traffickers. Gang members. Predators,” according to a review of the ads on the ad-tracking service AdImpact.
The 30-second spots began running in mid-September in Albuquerque, New Mexico; Boston; Chicago; Denver; New York; Philadelphia; Sacramento, California; Seattle; and Washington, D.C. Adding to the list a week ago: Atlanta; Dallas; El Paso, Texas; Houston; Miami; Salt Lake City; and San Antonio.
As of Monday, total spending on the ads had topped $6.5 million, with the most spent since mid-September being $853,745 in the Seattle area. However, Atlanta saw the most in the past week, more than $947,000, according to AdImpact.
They’re just going after the police. Because why not
Because it’s way easier to convert cops to what amounts to a federalized police force than to recruit random civies and vet them. You can just assume any cop that applies is going to be onboard with everything.
I’ve currently job hunting and the thought has crossed my mind “what if I joined and just… did a really crappy job. Like… whoops left the keys in the car and they drove away in it…. My bad”
Just ride it out until I get fired but have a paycheck for a little while.
Be the circular Venn diagram of malicious compliance and weaponized incompetence. Be the change you want to see.
How are they getting paid when Congress refuses to pass a budget?
Knowing the kinda people who join ICE, they’ll probably do it for free beer and a chance to kick a Latino.
Real answer though, the admin is giving them two months pay of residual cash they have, same as military and FBI, possibly via their ill gotten tariff gains: https://www.reuters.com/world/us/some-federal-law-enforcement-receive-pay-during-government-shutdown-2025-10-16/
It’s actually prolonging the shutdown because Congress tends to cave in the moment the military doesn’t get paid.
Step 1: Slam a car door on your dick. Cybertruck preferred.
Well that’s the best use for a cybertruck I’ve ever heard.
deleted by creator
