I moved to new cities like 7 or 8 times in my teens and 20’s (before smartphones, and for the most part before social media at all). Each move was a crash course in getting plugged into a new social circle, so I learned to be pretty quick at making new friends and understanding the personality types and social dynamics that I liked to be around.
At some point I learned to just say “yes” to new social situations, and see how they played out. It didn’t always work out for the best, but my openness to new people was generally a good thing to have in my life.
I think the problem for most people is not the “saying yes” part, but the breaking into any social circle at all to begin with.
Groups are generally pretty tight knit and not accepting of outsiders in most environments and after early to mid 20’s, even if you are just trying to make friends, unless someone is the 1 in 100 very charismatic people that everyone instantly vibes with like one of my friends is.
I made friends pretty easily before I turned 25 or so, now in order to make friends with other guys (I moved countries), I have to either be into watching sports, cars, or getting blackout drunk.
I think the problem for most people is not the “saying yes” part, but the breaking into any social circle at all to begin with.
That’s true. I broke into social circles through several avenues, in rough order of difficulty:
People I met through school or work. Very natural. Taking a bit of a leap from the basic introductory small talk of “what did you do this past weekend” to “what are you doing this next weekend” to talking about those activities and saying “that sounds fun, I’d like to do that sometime too” and then making arrangements outside of school/work.
People I met through casual pickup sports or gym classes or other group activities around social hobbies. Play a few basketball games at a local gym or court and get to know a few other regulars and their names, eventually see who you vibe with and do the same “what did you do last weekend” and jump to an activity you can do together.
Neighbors. There’s plenty of reason to talk to people when there’s a lot of overlap in space and geography. New neighbors are always looking for recommendations, so when you’re the new neighbor a simple note or a greeting can introduce yourself and kick things off, see if you’re gonna get along.
People I met through repeated familiarity. The same faces at the dog park, the same faces in line at your neighborhood coffee shop or bar, on your bus/train, etc., builds some kind of familiarity. There’s not always a reason to interact, but it can sometimes come up: commentary about the dogs playing with each other, excuse me do you mind if I plug in my laptop next to your seat, oh wow what did you order because that looks cool. It’s a low success rate but often a high number of natural opportunities for attempts.
From there, meeting friends of friends can kick start new friendships, too.
And look, I had great success making lots of friends, but had less success with dating through most of my 20’s. Things didn’t really start clicking for me in the dating scene until I was in my late 20’s and genuinely comfortable in my own personality, and whatever confidence I had in myself came through as a kind of authenticity that some women liked in a sexual/romantic partner, not just what people were looking for in friendships.
I moved to new cities like 7 or 8 times in my teens and 20’s (before smartphones, and for the most part before social media at all). Each move was a crash course in getting plugged into a new social circle, so I learned to be pretty quick at making new friends and understanding the personality types and social dynamics that I liked to be around.
At some point I learned to just say “yes” to new social situations, and see how they played out. It didn’t always work out for the best, but my openness to new people was generally a good thing to have in my life.
I think the problem for most people is not the “saying yes” part, but the breaking into any social circle at all to begin with.
Groups are generally pretty tight knit and not accepting of outsiders in most environments and after early to mid 20’s, even if you are just trying to make friends, unless someone is the 1 in 100 very charismatic people that everyone instantly vibes with like one of my friends is.
I made friends pretty easily before I turned 25 or so, now in order to make friends with other guys (I moved countries), I have to either be into watching sports, cars, or getting blackout drunk.
That’s true. I broke into social circles through several avenues, in rough order of difficulty:
From there, meeting friends of friends can kick start new friendships, too.
And look, I had great success making lots of friends, but had less success with dating through most of my 20’s. Things didn’t really start clicking for me in the dating scene until I was in my late 20’s and genuinely comfortable in my own personality, and whatever confidence I had in myself came through as a kind of authenticity that some women liked in a sexual/romantic partner, not just what people were looking for in friendships.