Lemmy Mengsk
  • Communities
  • Create Post
  • Create Community
  • heart
    Support Lemmy
  • search
    Search
  • Login
  • Sign Up
ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to The Onion@midwest.socialEnglish · 9 months ago

Alpha Male in Critical Condition After Accidentally Touching Unopened Box of Tampons

thehardtimes.net

external-link
message-square
29
fedilink
695
external-link

Alpha Male in Critical Condition After Accidentally Touching Unopened Box of Tampons

thehardtimes.net

ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to The Onion@midwest.socialEnglish · 9 months ago
message-square
29
fedilink
Self-proclaimed alpha male Tom Harrington was left fighting for his life in the ICU after accidentally touching an unopened box of tampons.
alert-triangle
You must log in or register to comment.
  • qjkxbmwvz@startrek.website
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    75
    arrow-down
    2
    ·
    9 months ago

    Guy buying condoms? He’s hoping to get some.

    Guy buying tampons? He’s definitely getting some.

    • Mouselemming@sh.itjust.works
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      22
      ·
      9 months ago

      And probably using condoms or he’d be buying pregnancy tests instead

      • nilloc@discuss.tchncs.de
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        12
        arrow-down
        1
        ·
        9 months ago

        Have the republicans banned birth control in your state already?

        • sin_free_for_00_days@sopuli.xyz
          link
          fedilink
          English
          arrow-up
          1
          ·
          9 months ago

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvWQ4K5vwSk

    • DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      6
      ·
      9 months ago

      Single dad erasure!

    • I_am_10_squirrels@beehaw.org
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      5
      ·
      9 months ago

      Next week

    • Crackhappy@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      3
      arrow-down
      1
      ·
      9 months ago

      He is determined to earn the name “Red Beard”.

      • MutilationWave@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        3
        ·
        9 months ago

        Earn your red wings yet?

  • TheImpressiveX@lemmy.ml
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    41
    ·
    9 months ago

    Stay strong brother, praying for a swift recovery.

    /s

    • Viking_Hippie@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      29
      arrow-down
      1
      ·
      9 months ago

      Instructions unclear, sent horde of Swifties to recovery room.

  • Dadifer@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    35
    ·
    9 months ago

    Um, the picture clearly indicates that the box was OPEN. He ded

  • ThrowawayPermanente@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    26
    ·
    9 months ago

    Nurse, this man neds 50cc’s of swagger, stat! And go make me a sandwich, because I’ll turn gay if I go into the staff kitchen.

    • BarrelAgedBoredom@lemm.ee
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      20
      ·
      9 months ago

      Fuck, he’s crashing! Tell respiratory to prepare a cigar smoke nebulizer. Set up a tren drip! Nurse, I ordered that casual misogyny an hour ago, where is it?!

      • Thassodar@lemm.ee
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        22
        ·
        9 months ago

        Nurse, I ordered that casual misogyny an hour ago, where is it did one of you females mess up the order again?!

        FTFY

        • e̶t̶t̶y̶b̶l̶a̶t̶a̶n̶t̶@lemmy.world
          cake
          link
          fedilink
          English
          arrow-up
          7
          ·
          9 months ago

          I’m so sorry, sir! All I found in the women’s cabinet was blatant misogyny, all of the casual emergency/accidental misogynies are a week late because I am ON MY PERIOD!!

  • Jimbabwe@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    19
    ·
    9 months ago

    And now they’ve got him deep throating a fat, girthy, breathing tube?! That is like… HELLA GAY!

  • the post of tom joad@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    15
    arrow-down
    1
    ·
    9 months ago

    Are guys really worried about manliness when picking up tampons at the store? If anything it’d make a guy look better to me. Picture this: big scruffy sweatpants dude shuffling your way in a tight alley in the early hours of the morning… Then oops! he drops his box of tampons.

    He could probably stab me cuz that would drop my guard big time.

    • flicker@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      14
      arrow-down
      1
      ·
      9 months ago

      A friend in high school heard me and the girls whispering (one of whom was his girlfriend). When he found out one of us needed a pad or tampons and we were seeing who had some, he got excited for the chance to go to the store to get them for us, because he said that buying tampons is the same as screaming, “I have a woman!!!”

      I hope that guy is happy, wherever he is. He was a kind soul.

    • Visstix@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      6
      ·
      9 months ago

      I’m mostly worried about which one to grab

      • RebekahWSD@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        3
        ·
        9 months ago

        This is why I always wrote down very precisely what pads I needed for my husband to grab, or just took a photo and sent that.

    • lime!@feddit.nu
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      6
      ·
      9 months ago

      and then use the tampons to avoid leaving blood traces

  • mtpender@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    9
    ·
    9 months ago

    Honest question, WTF is going on over in America?

    From my POV as an outsider looking in, your whole political system has gone mental. What happened to just governing and campaigning with common sense? How the hell did the truth become optional? Why is every issue a “culture war” issue? I can’t wrap my head around it.

    • sin_free_for_00_days@sopuli.xyz
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      8
      ·
      9 months ago

      As someone on the inside of the US…I don’t know. We’ve always had a pretty strong strain of anti-intellectual idiocy, but the past decade or two has just been bizarre. The ugly hate and willful ignorance is embarrassing, scary, and really demoralizing.

  • fl42v@lemmy.ml
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    9
    ·
    9 months ago

    Tnx, the funniest thing I’ve read in a while

  • Thebeardedsinglemalt@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    7
    ·
    edit-2
    9 months ago

    When interviewed, a Friend of the victim said: dang bro, this beast would usually just smash a 6er of Busch light, blast some rock music and he be back to clam-slammin’ in no time flat!

  • Kwakigra@beehaw.org
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    7
    ·
    9 months ago

    The tampon market has been neglecting men for as long as it’s been around. When are we going to see “rough and tumble tampons for tough guys” so we can finally get some respect?

  • JaggedRobotPubes@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    4
    ·
    9 months ago

    Those are for girls.

    • uhmbah@lemmy.ca
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      1
      ·
      9 months ago

      Women?

  • Blazingtransfem98@discuss.online
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    2
    ·
    9 months ago

    !egg_irl@lemmy.blahaj.zone

The Onion@midwest.social

theonion@midwest.social

Subscribe from Remote Instance

Create a post
You are not logged in. However you can subscribe from another Fediverse account, for example Lemmy or Mastodon. To do this, paste the following into the search field of your instance: !theonion@midwest.social

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

  • The Onion
  • Clickhole
  • McSweeney’s
  • Reductress
  • The Chaser
  • The Hard Times
    • The Hard Drive
  • The Needling
  • Tattletale Times
  • The Beaverton
Visibility: Public
globe

This community can be federated to other instances and be posted/commented in by their users.

  • 12 users / day
  • 758 users / week
  • 3.97K users / month
  • 12.3K users / 6 months
  • 1 local subscriber
  • 6.34K subscribers
  • 1.27K Posts
  • 15K Comments
  • Modlog
  • mods:
  • seahorse [Ohio]@midwest.social
  • pbrisgreat@midwest.social
  • BE: 0.19.8
  • Modlog
  • Instances
  • Docs
  • Code
  • join-lemmy.org