I get it, I absolutely respect someone wanting to be safe, but i think it would also absolutely ruin the date for me. I just can’t really interact the same way in a group as I do one on one. Either that, or I’d end upv mirroring both of them simultaneously and it would end up in a throuple.
I respect it, but i don’t get it, and it would be a complete deal breaker for me. What do you think a person on a date in a public place is gonna do to you?
right, this is basically saying “i don’t trust you not to spike my drink, take me to a second location, and rape me”
and maybe you shouldn’t be online dating at all if that’s where you start out from
But even then, no one needs to ask you out on a date to do that. Any time you go out in public by yourself that could happen just as easily. If you’re that unreasonably fearful then i don’t want to spend time with you
Most women don’t make a habit of going out to bars alone, for good reason. It’s a very real risk.
As a guy who’s been roofied (presumably by accident, still don’t know what happened) I sure as hell don’t blame them.
I didn’t say anything about a bar
Why should they trust some random dude they met on a dating app?
You act like that’s some crazy fear, but it happens all the fucking time.
If you’re that dismissive of other people’s concerns, maybe you shouldn’t be online dating at all.
Why should they trust some random dude they met on a dating app?
no one says they have to, but they probably shouldn’t, i dunno, go out on a date with them if they can’t.
You act like that’s some crazy fear, but it happens all the fucking time.
call it a crazy thought, but if i were premeditating sexual assault, i probably wouldn’t choose someone who has my name, photos, phone number, and a history of correspondence to show motive. lol
Do you all have a different idea of what a date is than me or something? The point is to get to know someone you don’t know yet. I guess if you were communicating for weeks beforehand this might seem weird, but that’s making some big assumptions. You’re acting like this woman has requested her friend accompany her for every moment of their ongoing relationship. It’s wild to me to get so insecure about someone not fully trusting you this first time you meet. Trust is built over time, and it’s not a slight against you if someone wants to protect themselves.
call it a crazy thought, but if i were premeditating sexual assault, i probably wouldn’t choose someone who has my name, photos, phone number, and a history of correspondence to show motive. lol
And yet, a casual examination of history shows that it happens all the time. And more often than not, charges never get brought up.
Now certainly the perceived frequency is far higher than the actual likelihood, but I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to roll those dice.
Do you all have a different idea of what a date is than me or something? The point is to get to know someone you don’t know yet.
it’s 2025 and the typical use case when you meet someone on an app is to chat online, maybe do some video calls for a week+ to establish rapport and vet one another. by the time you meet up you should have some amount of chemistry and a feel for each other’s values.
if you don’t, the hinged thing to do is to not go out until you do. not to bring a third wheel lol.
but I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to roll those dice.
apt metaphor considering it’s a stupid fucking game to play. surely you can’t blame anyone for choosing not to play it.
Why should he trust her?
You’re coming from a place of internalized misandry and fear.
That doesn’t make a healthy relationship.
Why even date men if you think they’re all rapists?
Tbf you don’t have to think all men are rapists to be careful, just that at least one is, and that you dont necessarily know how to spot one.
A person who chooses to take a minority of experiences and lets it influence all other experiences has internal work to do.
The moment you try to make that someone elses problem, then you aren’t engaging with your biases, and that’s not a sign of a healthy and mature person, that’s not the type of person a lot of people want relationships with.
He shouldn’t, and the fact that that idea doesn’t even cross most men’s minds is an enormous privilege.
I don’t know about you, but I generally take a little time getting to know someone before I decide to trust them. Why on earth would you not?
What you don’t seem to consider is the risk involved. When the consequence of misplaced trust is potentially rape or death, a small amount of caution is plainly warranted.
Nobody is out here assuming all men are rapists, that question is as irrelevant as it is idiotic. The point is that any man could be a rapist, and those odds sure as hell aren’t small enough to just roll the dice on some rando you’ve never met.
It’s easier for us (I’m assuming you’re male too). I don’t really have to care. The worst consequence we can reasonably expect is what? A too attached girl who won’t leave you alone? When was the last time you went on a date with someone who could physically restrain you? It’s not the fucking same, no matter how much you want to pretend it is.
There is no risk involved with going to a public place for a date.
At least no reasonable risk.
If you develop a phobia of men that is so bad that it prevents you from interacting with men, then that is YOU problem and you need to work that out.
Sorry, but you’re coming from a place of ignorance here, but I do get it. I used to feel that way, but I’ve known too many women in my life who’ve experienced assaults in public places to pretend it’s not a real issue. I’ve been roofied in public myself (wrong target, presumably) and have the privilege of only really having to worry about some scrapes and bruises. But the holes in my memory and understanding that that night could have easily gone far, far worse if I had been someone’s target is something that will always stay with me.
If you develop a phobia of men that is so bad that it prevents you from interacting with men, then that is YOU problem and you need to work that out.
This is stupid bullshit. Nobody has suggested anything like this and bad faith nonsense wastes everyone’s time. Grow up. It’s obvious you’re taking this woman’s caution as some kind of personal slight. It’s not, and you should really examine where those feelings are coming from.
misandry doesn’t real
Lazy troll
calling me names doesn’t make misandry real
throuple goals!
throuple
Threesome. Corrected for you.
Nope. Throuple is dating, threesome is a one-time thing. Like if my wife and I have a girlfriend, we would be a throuple. And if we all sleep together, it would be a threesome. But saying “throuple=threesome” is like saying “couple=sex” when the two describe fundamentally different things. One is the relationship between people, and the other is just a physical act.
Nice condescending attitude though.
And here I thought OP just misspelled trouble.
Prepare for trouble!
And make it throuple!
Tbf, I was briefly in one, and it did very quickly turn into trouble.
throuple : threesome :: couple : hook-up
is this valid C code?
nope, it’s the verbal analogy puzzle format used by tests like the SAT.
It could be valid C++ code within a function, if not for the last colon which isn’t a unary nor binary operator
There’s a unix/eunuchs joke in there somewhere.
This is very common in Asia. The first few (not) dates they bring friends and you can too. Eventually, she gives an indication that she wants to do something alone with you and that’s when the real dates begin.
You make a good point, but considering that the conversation is in English I don’t think you’d be too far out of the pale to assume that this is not in Asia, and in most English-speaking countries it’s not common to go on group dates before going on individual dates.
It does happen, and quite a bit, but not to the point where it’s common, I would say it’s at the very most uncommon.
This is the way.
I mean we have those too, they’re called double dates. Would have been less awkward if the lady here asked for one of those.
Double dates aware there is two couples. This sounds more like she wants to bring her friend on to make her feel more comfortable on a first date.
If you wanna be my lover…
Guy friends in asian also hold hands and hang on each others arms. Not really something you see in the west
Arranged marriage is also common in Asia
What an unprovoked comment.
Wherever you live, there are also many cultural issues that are equally unrelated to what I said.
This reeks of casual bigotry you should perhaps analyze the thought patterns that lead you to writing this.
If you bring a friend, they better be down for a 3 way if things go well. The only time this hapoened to me, was when two girls invited me to a 3way and then one of them chickened out, then got mad that I still fucked her friend. Like… That was the entire reason I was there!
She got mad because you fucked the wrong friend lol
She should have fucked him first then.
Everybody knows that in relationships it is first come first served.
First come, first served cum
Oddly disturbing
Oddly?
This tracks.
Did the one that chickened out at least watch you fuck the other one?
I had a girl bring a guy friend along on our first date without giving me a heads up for the same reason. I was like, ok that’s a little weird but whatever. I’m certainly not going to give someone shit for doing something that makes them feel comfortable. Ended up chatting it up with the guy friend who turned out to be super cool.
So me and the girl end up seriously dating after a while and she later tells me that she spent most of our first date trying to subtly get her friend to leave so that she could spend more time with me.
Ok thats nice
Lol there’s got to be a term that’s the inverse of cockblocking. Maybe like cockenabling for something.
Wingman is the term you’re looking for.
But in my date’s opinion, he was clam jamming her!
But clam jamming is what you wanted to do, so he was helping,lol.
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I had a girl do that on our first date. She was feeling insecure because she never dated online before. Once she felt comfortable with me, her friends left.
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Like the guy defenitely comes off as a dick but also if you check out conventional social media you will see guys who talk about being expected to pay for not just the girl but also their friend, and you will see girls talk about how if she brings a friend for protection then the guy should pay for the friend too.
So many variables exist that we don’t know but for some people there an expectation that if a girl brings a friend the guy needs to pay for both and I wouldn’t default that to just misogyny
I had girls bring a friend with them when I asked them out on a date and it didn’t even occur to me that I would pay for them. But also I wouldn’t expect the friend to hang around the entire time either, once it turned out I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone they generally went away.
Try and remember when you read this type of stuff that these people are the minority. These stories are not the norm and the much huger proportion of people going on dates that are more or less normal are not reporting their experiences because there’s nothing notable really about them.
I’m not saying that is the norm but more so that it may not be just internal misogyny that causes the poster to reach their conclusion
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Yes he was being a bit rude but it is surprisingly common for women to expect the men to pay for their friends and it is not at all unreasonable for him to put his foot down early and refuse before she even asks.
Being a little rude to a woman is not misogyny.
Nowhere in the screenshot does she ever say she expected the guy to pay for her friend.
He’s getting mad about a made-up situation in his head. How do you actually deal with someone who’s mad about something that hasn’t happened.
The situation OP predicted wasn’t the one where she asks up front.
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It’s cool that you haven’t been online dating lately and all but your ignorance of trends is not my problem.
Yes that situation would make you racist, but that’s also not even remotely comparable in any way so it’s pointless to bring up. Go touch grass.
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She NEVER said that she didn’t expect him to pay, she just ignored it, and kept justifying why it was okay to bring her friend. She fully expected him to pay for dinner and drinks for both.
These girls are predators, and they tried to treat him like a chump, and people are pissed because he showed some self-respect.
These girls are predators, and they tried to treat him like a chump
You’ve been successfully baited by a fake screenshot and are displaying misogyny.
It’s not misogyny to recognize and acknowledge that women can be bad people, just like men can be. In fact, recognizing that women are just regular people, is the opposite of misogyny.
I don’t think all women are perfect (and never said such), but this post is 100% a fake screenshot that’s misogynistic rage bait.
Perfect. That’s when you strike
I can almost understand her reaction considering it was an online dating thing
Ive had a couple of times where one of my girl friends has asked me if I could be at a bar they were going on a date at to keep an eye on it in the background. Not like sit down or get to know the guy or anything, just keep an eye out and be there if things go south.
Several times ive known the guy as well. One time I accidentally recruited the date to help me keep an eye on my friend. Had no idea the 2 had never actually met (grew up a grade apart, been in the same social circles for decades)
Is it still normalized that the man should pay the date?
What year is it? 1825?
A lot of women consider it a deal breaker to this day
I call those women… never. Had a girl turn up with a friend, everyone paid for their own drinks. And this was in the early 00s.
If I remember correctly (it’s been over 16 years), my wife suggested separate checks the first time, and I told her I’d pay this time and she could get the next one if she wanted to go out again.
I think I still ended up paying for the next one (or separate checks), but that wasn’t a cultural norm thing, I just get uncomfortable with other people paying for me.
My current fiance said she almost didn’t want to go on a second date with me because I wanted to go Dutch on our first date. She still tells me to this day that I’m lucky I was cute.
what does go dutch mean
Butt stuff
???
Sorry, was funny to me at the time! It’s splitting the bill
Date pays for their stuff, you pay for your own. Basically, separate tabs.
To be clear, I would have paid if she had asked me to at the time. When the bill came for the food, I asked if she wanted separate or together, but my phrasing made it sound like I wanted to split it and she said that was fine. Whoops.
Don’t worry, she’s making up for lost time. I pay for almost everything when we go out now 😅
Humans are weird. I’m glad we penguins aren’t as complicated.
If i invite someone out to dinner I pay. If someone invites me out to dinner I expect them to pay. However, I think in general in the US most men and women expect the man to pay.
If i invite someone out to dinner I pay. If someone invites me out to dinner I expect them to pay.
expect the man to pay
…they’re the same picture. Seriously, given the general dynamics of how straight dating actually ends up working most of the time IRL, these are basically equivalent statements, because the man is also generally expected to be the one to do the asking.
Agreed. Most of the time the man is expected to do the asking. From my personal, not reflective of the rest of society, experience…when dating if I asked someone out id plan the date and pay. It was usually second date when dating men, or once when I had to cancel on a first date I then asked the person out and arranged the first date.
The only time I ever felt a bit grumpy about paying was when the other person couldn’t decide between two dishes. I told them to order both, and I assumed theyd take their leftovers. They ate a tiny bit of each and didn’t take any home. Thats just wasteful. There was no next date.
This is an outdated expectation, although it could also be considered respectful on a date.
I’ve heard that in restaurants in the USA you often give your credit card and they scan it and return it because they don’t have portable terminals. I’ve also heard that it’s often returned to the man regardless of name on card / who gave it. Both of these seem very outdated.
Smart servers just put the check and the card between the people if it’s not obvious who’s paying. I’m a great test case for this because my spouse and I both happen to have first names that could belong to a man or a woman.
It’s pretty much random which one of us pays because we pool our money anyway.Often they drop the bill in the little book and we stick the card in the end of it and put it back on the end of the table, they come by, run the card and then come back….
you can see the fear in their eyes sometimes, like “oh shit. This could be either one of them… 50/50 chance I annoy the one who’s writing the tip”.
We’ve both worked service industry so we don’t care at all and tip well either way but it’s pretty funny to see the realization sometimes.
Oh and, if it’s two people on a date (not a boring old married couple like us eating dinner) and there’s only one bill… 9/10 it’s the guy paying.
If it were the girl shouldn’t have any choice.
Now they have things called rights and stuff
I had a girl ask if it was OK to bring a friend once, I said it was fine. She ended up coming alone anyway.
You showed a green flag by saying yes, so she probably felt safe enough.
Or a serial killer that was only interested in double kills
Everyone loves mind games :3
Its not really a mind game IMO, if he had said no she might’ve still gone with a friend. It’s not a test it’s literally just wanting a clue re safety.
Have you considered fearing all men isn’t a healthy way for an adult to live? And how is that level of prejudice shows through this action?
Adults can go on a date in public by themselves. There are some men who will be hurt but still tolerant, and there will be some that find it offensive.
So much context missing to tell if the guy did good or not. He could be being a prick or just standing up for himself. In any case, this is definitely100% both fake but plus moreover besides also gay.
First dates are Dutch. Hard stop.
Anything else is an escort, and at least double means something with them.
You bring your friend, fine, but you or they pay for their meal and yours.
I’m here to see if we match, not serve as a stopgap in the apts food budget.
Going to eat as a first date is bad anyways. Should do something where you are a not forced to sit in front of each other for a fixed amount of time. Why not go for a walk in a park, take a coffee or other things that are more “open”.
Dutch?
Swamp Germans
Means you pay for your own meal. Not sure why it where but probably some racist thing, I assume
More of a cultural thing, I think. From what I’ve gathered from a friend that lives in the Netherlands the dutch are pretty serious about paying for their own meals and getting people to pay for theirs. I even remember seeing a sketch made by some dutch people where one gives a bite of their sandwich to a coworker or something and then they tell the coworker that they’re owed x amount for it.
it’s not about race, but nation. it’s probably xenophobic
I’ve heard it all my life. I just assumed the Dutch were cheap, and won’t pay for anyone else but themselves.
It wouldn’t bother me if somebody wanted to bring a friend on a date. However, I would communicate that it would change the dynamic into a “hangout” over a traditional “date” for me. The difference being that a date carries romantic intent and a hangout is for the sake of connecting with others without romantic expectations. Also, a hangout means everybody pays for themselves.
This takes the pressure off by lowering the stakes since it’s now just a casual hangout between peers. It also has the benefit of making the third not feel excluded as a third wheel but a welcome part of the group.
Last time a chick brought a friend with her, I got on better with the friend… And I went home with the friend. Pro tip, if youre bringing a friend. Dont make it a friend thats better to talk to than you are.
Or do.
I say get it while you can, you don’t turn your back on love, no no no. -Janis Joplin
I had a girl cancel and reschedule our first date shortly before we were supposed to meet up. That date happened, and she confided in me that she’d done that on purpose to gauge my reaction and general demeanor before actually coming out to meet me. I respected that move, and I think I would have been okay with her bringing a friend instead, as long as it was just the once.
Anyway, that was eight years ago, we’re married now.
Nice that it worked out but deception and playing games would be a huge red flag for me. Nothing about that instance in particular, it’s just that I’d always wonder “is this situation for real or another trick?”
Maybe the immediate followup fixes it. You were strangers then after all. And after eight years of course you know what you’re working with haha
Damnit now I’m just rambling to myself, carry on!
Or does he?
Look at this dude… Being happy
Quick! Scan his post and comment history to find something to bring him down!!
Weakness identified!
I bet he misses a lot of MtG sessions. 😏
Who do you think you are, flexing your relationship like that.
You’re a dumbass for playing along with such insane bullshit but I’m glad it worked out for you.
I don’t think “begrudging women a single test to see if someone is the type to explode over a single inconvenience” is the right hill to stick your flag on.
Trying to start a relationship by playing games is very much a good place to find red flags.
It might seem like a game to you but that’s someone’s life.
Do you have an alternative for how they should determine if a potential partner is a danger? Besides hiring a private detective or rolling the dice by finding out after they’re invested?
If you can’t trust a stranger even a little bit then don’t date complete strangers. Limit your dating pool to your circle of friends, friends of friends, people you already know or that your friends vouch for.
That is so utterly devoid of empathy that I have nothing left to say to you.
Yeah, lack of empathy on her side, I know. If you think your date is a potential rapist/murderer/… then why are you trying to date them?
Yeah, I’d say it’s a red flag except there are a ton of crazies that this quickly filters for them and keeps them safe from.
So in an ideal world it would be bad, but it makes sense in the one we live in.
Mr. Fancy-look-at-me-i’m-married-pants
“Can I bring a friend?”
“Um, I’d rather they stayed home. And well, I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but I kind of wanted to stay home, too. You have fun though!”
good answer
I’m cool with someone deciding to do this.
I mean, I’ll decide not to go on the date, but that you do you.
Your lack of ability to judge my character leading up to the date, and the general sense of paranoia leading to a decision like this, aren’t qualities I’m looking for in a partner.
Neither is starting things from a place of outright suspicion. Like. I’m not judging. I just have zero interest.
Neither is starting things from a place of outright suspicion.
I would understand it if they are going to someplace private, like the apartment or a dark alley at midnight, but who the hell goes to those places on a first date? I’m not freaking out about a guy asking me to a coffee date at 1000 hours in the middle of a city on a saturday.
They might’ve had one (or several) bad experiences and this is a trauma response, but even in that case, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say “yeah sure they’ll pay their own way, I just feel safer if we have a second pair of eyes I trust in the restaurant/cafe/etc with us”. Like, you don’t gotta be at the table, but I kinda get it for the first date or two being “hey I trust this person, mind if they tag along and grab a drink at the bar to be my watchman or whatever”.
You dont even have to ask. Friend can just sit at the bar, or they can bring a second person and just be at a different table. If this is a trauma response, there are ways to make in nonintrusive. Plus, if the other person doesnt know you brought back up, theyre going to be more themselves, and youll see if theyre a sleeze or not sooner. Its not hard to pretend to not be a sleeze while youre being watched then turn it around immediately when youre not.
That’s a personal issue that an individual needs to work out before dating then.
Mature people don’t need to bring a babysitter for their date.
Amen
Can i bring a friend too, otherwise it’s an uneven fight.
Just skip that and send only your friends on a date.
I finally feel like I can write “dating” off my bucket list.
Just by subcotracting it.
If you’re pregnant that also counts as two
“Good idea, no problem. I’m also going to be bringing my ex along. Should be fun”
